Trunk Full Of Poems: Cocoa The Kid (2004)

Too many Yoo-Hoos and too many kisses,

Milk Duds and Goobers were his favorite dishes,

The liquid inside him was thicker than blood,

The blood in his veins was the color of mud,

His heart was amazing, it pumped like a soldier,

Gooey and chewie, but strong as a boulder,

Whenever he'd sweat you could bet he smelled good,

He could run up a tree on one knee- yes he could,

All energy to spare he was constantly running,

He could go on for days in a haze, it was stunning,

His teeth slightly brown and his breath like hot chocolate,

An emergency stash of Chupa Chups in his pocket,

There was only one substance to slow down his pace,

Some Vanilla Extract, just a miniscule taste,

It made his eyes goosey, it made his lips tremble,

His brain would explode like a toad and reassemble,

Then finally he stops and he flops to a deep sleep,

Dreaming of sheepies and Little Bo Peep,

But the very next morning he would jump out of bed,

One Tootsie Roll would go right to his head,

Cocoa the Kid is reborn and he's hyper,

When he was a baby he tore off his diaper,

Danced around the room with a zoom and a laugh,

Like Tasmanian Devil destroyed all in his path,

Nothing can stop him- just maybe some ice cream,

Spiked with vanilla, yes mommy was quite mean,

Little Cocoa would drop, followed by gentle snoring,

The little chocolate wonder she was always adoring,

She would run him a bath and watch the water turn dark,

Everything turned chocolate wherever he parked,

At school it was weird- the girls tried to lick him,

The boys armed with marshmallows and kindling would stick him,

So Cocoa would flee like a bee that just stung him,

And took to home schooling before he was done-in,

As he got older he started to crackle,

Holes in his arms that would have to be spackled,

His skin turning white and his fingers were crumbly,

He was falling apart and he would stare at it dumbly,

Nothing he could do but roll up and coil,

While his mom wrapped him up in aluminum foil,

"I'll keep you in the freezer, don't worry little angel,"

She kissed him and promised she'd keep him from danger,

So Cocoa was stored in low temperatures freezing,

He developed a cough and couldn't stop wheezing,

But the crumbling had stopped for the moment at least,

But so had his heart which had finally ceased,

A year or so later, Cocoa The Kid,

Was resting quite comfortably under a lid,

Placed in some tupperware that used to hold chowder,

Cocoa the Kid, now a brilliant powder

Trunk Full Of Poems: It May Be Crap But It's A Wrap! (2002)

Sandbags, c-stands, flags and sticks,

Too many problems that need to be fixed,

The lighting is off I see boom shadows there,

They've all seen the dailies, but nobody cares,

Horrible acting that keeps getting worse,

Like Stevan Seagal it's a bad-acting curse,

He's missing his mark and he ruins each take,

Meanwhile the extras look hardly awake,

The actress's passion for her "husband" sounds fake,

And the fucking DP dropped a lens in the lake,

Two weeks over schedule and one million under,

Our investors keep visiting and seeing their blunder,

Their faith in the movie has gone down the shitter,

All of the crew has turned sour and bitter,

Despite all of this I'm glad no-one's a quitter,

But the stupid director needs his own baby-sitter,

He can't handle direction,

He's a walking erection,

How many takes does a shower scene need,

He giggles insanely like he's always on speed,

You ask him a question and you're met with a stare,

A worthwhile exchange of ideas is quite rare,

Unfortunately there's nothing I can do,

I'm just the writer- the gum on your shoe,

I don't get paid,

I hardly get laid,

And my position in this movie will gradually fade,

From the looks of the film I'll be ashamed of my credit,

Take out my last name just "Derek"- I may edit,

When the movie comes out I'm going to dread it,

"THEY RUINED MY VISION, yeah, SEE- THERE I SAID IT!"

I have no say when it comes to suggestion,

I'm just a ghost, I can't ask any questions,

Merely a witness to the disaster I see,

I fight the temptation to stab my own knee,

"YOU STUPID ASSHOLES, YOU FORGOT THE DAMN MAKE-UP!"

"HIS SCAR WAS ON HIS LEFT CHEEK YOU MORON- HEY WAKE-UP!"

Everyone stares at the writer for once,

Alone in the corner, I feel like a dunce,

The director walks over and gives me a smile,

"Derek, why don't you just get lost for awhile?"

I slowly get up and walk out with a sigh,

Of course no one bothers to bid me good-bye,

But out in the back I spot the actor's corvette,

I keyed on his car, "You can't ACT WORTH A SHEE-YIT!"

Trunk Full Of Poems: "That Gorilla Is Pissed!" (2001)

That Gorilla Is Pissed!

 

I can hear that chest thump, my heart beats fast,

Shouldn't of stole that banana, but it's all in the past,

The pounding is louder, how long will this go,

I've never deceived a monkey- at least not that I know,

Except that one time where I went to the zoo,

When I visited Bobo- my mom was in the loo,

I said, "Hi Mr. Bobo!" "Whats that you got there?"

He showed me his ass...it was shaven and bare,

This wasn't exactly what I was expecting,

The gorilla was silent, what's that he's protecting?

A big 'ol banana was clenched in his fist,

I grabbed it real quickly and boy he looked pissed!

I yelled, "Booga Booga! and jumped up and down,

My gorrila impersonation just made him frown,

My mother came back and yelled, "Hun, that's not nice!"

She told me to give it back...I didn't take her advice,

I hid my banana when my mom wasn't looking,

She was thinking of dinner and what she'd be cooking,

Bobo knew what I was up to, he screamed, "OOH AH AH AH!"

I said, "Shut up Mr. Bobo, take a bath you smell! HAHA!"

We walked away from his cage, but I felt Bobo's stare,

I flipped him the bird, my mom unaware,

We got in the car and drove to our home,

I ate that banana,and gave a satisfied moan,

I was haunted at night by the eyes of that Bobo,

I should've went back and killed him,but that was a no-no

It was just my luck that'd I'd end up in a jungle,

I was just taking pictures, when I heard a loud rumble,

My hands froze in fear, I dropped all my gear,

And here I am now, just trembling in fear,

I'm full of regret, the chance I had missed,

I should've killed Bobo- that gorilla is pissed!

He finally leaped out and struck an angry monkey pose,

I did what I could, I head-butted his nose,

Bobo cried out and took a grab at my head,

I thought, "This is it! I'm gonna be dead!",

I whimpered and cried and pleaded, "PLEASE STOP!",

And to my surprise, he let my ass drop,

I looked in my bag and Bo-bo just waited,

He was losing his patience and I almost fainted,

I took out an apple and held it aloft,

"Here you go Bobo! It's juicy and soft!",

Bo-bo shook his head and waved it away,

Bobo looked like he had something to say,

But instead he grabbed me and reared back for a throw,

When he launched me I flew and Bobo watched me go,

I could hear his laughing...sounding like a donkey,

"HEE HAW HEE HAW!" translation- "You one dead honkey!"

-Marty-

Bubba's Diarrhea: Chafeter Wun: Duh Corn Taint Shuck Itself

Dear Diarrhea,

My neem iS Bubba.  I am 43 yeers old.  I live on a pig farm.

Janie is yellin at me.  Time for dinner.  Pig again.  So teeeeared of ha-vin pig! 

"WHY DON'T WE HAVE CORN??""

"CUZ YOU AIN'T NEVER SHUCK!"

"SHUCK?  SHUCK?" i said.  "I SHUCK LASTERDAY!"

Then she got reeeeaaaal mad.

but I showed her.

Turns out...i AM hav-in pig tonight.  that janie roasted goooooood.

i shucked her. hehehehehehehe.

the EnD....?

Candy

Every once in awhile I'll get that old childhood twitch when I see a rowful of scrumptious munches.  It's usually when I'm in one of those candy stores where you can find buckets full of taffy.  Gummy colas, cinammon fireballs, chocolate-covered gummy bears, jellybeans- I especially like those giant hunks of random chocolate.  Like someone just broke them off of a chocolate wall in some dilapidated chocolate hovel, 

"The walls are coming down anyway," says a worker with a pickaxe.  "Might as well bag it for the little ones"

"What about the white walls?"

"Those are NO GOOD MAN!  Don't be daft!  Can't you see they crumble?"

Roald Dahl might have been soley responsible for making sweets sound a hundred times more delectable, having conjured some amazing ideas for candy in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"  Chewing gum that never loses flavor, amazing gobstoppers (now a reality and pretty addictive), a river full of chocolate churned by a waterfall- man oh man.  Lickable wallpaper...maybe that's not very sanitary.

One time I was eating a bag of gummy colas and my dad walked in the room.  He looked at me and then down at the colas, then back at me again.

"What is that?"

"Gummy colas!"

Pause.

"Where'd you get that shit?"

My dad walked out of the room.  I called after him,

"From the shit store!"

He stopped in his tracks and I could hear him laughing.

"I guess I deserved that."

My favorite candy memory involves my dad too- I think it was my 13th birthday, and my dad spoiled me big time.  It was just father and son for three days- we went to Disneyland, Knottberry Farm, and I think Universal Studios.  We stayed at a cheap Holiday Inn, but I have fond memories of staying up late watching all the old classic Nick At Nite reruns.  I love Lucy, Superman, and Welcome Back Kotter.  Great times.

Knottsberry Farm had a giant candy store and we stocked up before we hit our second round of park rides.  My dad is a Jujube fantatic, and I always think of him when I see that green box.  Anyway, I got a little paperbag full of those hot cinnamon balls- they were never THAT hot, but they definitely made an impression later.

We were on some outdoor ride that has about 6-7 rows of chairs- probably could seat a hundred people in all- and it takes you 40-50 up in the air, and slowly rotates you until you're hanging upside-over the audience and a little pond. Not a whole lot to the ride, but hanging upside down while being at the mercy of a little belt to keep you in is pretty terrifying.  Blood rushing to your face, people below looking up at you.

All of a sudden a rush of sound, something dropping and a series of rolling objects.  I realized it was my cinnamon balls, raining on the crowd below!

They never found the culprit- heh heh, but my dad and I got a good laugh out of it.  We even got a picture of ourselves on the ride with our hair shooting up above our heads, out mouths open like, "OH- SHEEEEYIT WE UNDERESTIMATED THIS ONE!"  No balls appear in the picture            ......hehheh.  :)

10 Ways To Save Face (or impress) While Pissing Your Pants.

1.(waving hands around crotch)  "ALA KA-ZAM!  FLIM-FLAM!"

2. (checks watch)  "7 seconds- beat my record."

3. "My Spidey sense is tinkling."

4. "You think that's impressive..."  (any conversation)

5. (in deep bass voice sing)  OLLLLLD MANNNNN RI-VERRRRR. (it's better if you're wearing suspenders that day to stick your thumbs in)

6. "This goes out to all the mothafuckas out there...who been stuck in a theatre...and the movie was almost over, but you didn't want to miss the bomb ex-splodin..."

7. In response to, "Could you be any grosser?"

8. "I used to wet my bed all the time...BUT...that was a long time ago." (looks down)

9. "Piss on this progressive sidewalk!  Used to be nothing here but farms and green trees from all the eye can see!"

10. (looks down, looks up wisely- squinty-eyed) 

"Someone's coming."