Bubba's Diarrhea: Chafter Too: Drunk And Shat Miself Agan

Dear Diirshhsky,

member wen i killed jenny?   ohhhhh whyd i gone dooo that?!!!  hoos gonna clean up my puke?  hoss gonna make me pickel joose sandwech?  hoos gonna make pickel shakes?   hoss gonna grab my pickel?  JENNNYYYYYYY!!!

I loved her so.  more thn roger my frog.  dum frog just sits in his cage.  if i was a frog i wuld brake free!  id find otter frogs to fuck!  thats wut id do!

SHHHH!!! SHHHH! 

shhh diery!  soemwun at the door.  shuld i go anser?  wat if its the FBI.  female booty inspector- hahahaha! where did SHHHHHHHH!!!!  .....somewun at the door. diry this is serios.

they said my name diery!

i cant BEAR the suspence!  oh lawwdy save me!  for I ment you no harm.  all my life I jus wannted to get published...in a fancy magazine liek Chumming Buds or Fancy Trailer.  this hea d is so full with ideeas that i shit novellas. my toilet iss overflowin with word turds!

thas why i never flush.

I DIDn't kill that bitch officer (i just lied to the stupid piggy wiggy bakon piggy pigRJKG.- STOP THAT, not DUN FENISHIN MY- dontttttttttt read ovar my shhullder!

(haha- poooshed piggy and graaaabed his gun!

daaance piggy!  uhhoh.

owwwWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!  I KAN STILL TIPE WIT WUN HANCUFF! oWWWwWwwwwwrrrr

Use Your Straw Gerald! (twisted poem)

Use Your Straw Gerald! (2005)

He sliced the meat with his two feet and Sheila was disgusted,
Them Mom came in and Sheila grinned because Gerald would be busted,
"Don't use your toes to grip our pork!" and Mom went for the drawer,
"Does Gerald know that he's a dork," asked Sheila grinning more,
Gerald sighed and almost cried when mom came roaring back,
She thrusted a straw, beneath his jaw and whispered, "Now attack!"
Gerald didn't hesitate, the more he'd stall- the more they'd wait,
He took a deep breath,  opened his mouth and finally slipped the straw down south,
The other end he plunged inside, the porky surface of the swine,
A quick suck test, but nothing came, he puckered his lips- their patience waned,
It was no good, his face turned red, his sister mouthed the words,' You're dead"
His mother watched his portion close, and Gerald knew he'd soon be toast,
But one last pull into his lungs and finally something gave,
The pork shot through the curly straw and Gerald's face just caved,
His eyes exploded, Nose imploded and Gerald's ears were gone,
The pork shot out his lower back and bounced onto their lawn,
Gerald was a kid no more his face was like a turnip,
But that wasn't allowed, the family found that his face required a permit,
It wasn't worth the trouble so they threw him in the gutter,
They felt a little guilty so they gave him a pound of butter,
"But how will he survive," his sister whined a little weak,
"He has his feet," his mother said and turned the other cheek.

A Kick In The Face (song)

A Kick In The Face (2006)

(rapid strum) beh-beh-beh-beh-behBEH
Ears....
(rapid strum) beh-beh-beh-beh-behBEH
Tears...
(rapid strum)
Fears....
(rapid strum)
(considers)
Good band...
(rapid rapid)
Give me your hand...
And give it a fold-ing squeeze...
And toss me a gold-en pea...
Shattered and batt-ered knees,
Please...
(strum strum strum strum strum strum strum strum)
(wails)PLEASE!
Please...
Whisper a ten-der spell,
I want you to show and tell,
Stomp out the grinding hell...
....like movies called Nell....
(drops his head, that line was painful)
(drums take over for a minute, gotta recover)
okay...
Jodie Foster naked....
GAH!
help us....
someone kick me in the face...
before I start to remember what it's like,
Spray my eyes with mace,
And don't forget to wipe,
(CRASHING CYMBALS, GUITAR CREEPING IN, NUCLEAR DRUMS)
TORTURE IS MY FORTUNE AND MY CHINESE OPERATOR- DIDN'T DATE HER- GOD I HATE HER WHEN SHE ALWAYS SCOFFS AND PUTS ME ON HOLD!
(head bangs) one-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight
AUNT JAMIMA, ALWAYS KINDA MAPELIE AND STICKY BUT HER BIG 'OL SMILE JUST RUBS AGAINT MY MOLE!
(head bangs)
BLIND-SIDED, UNDIVIDED, NEAR-SIGHTED, I'M EXCITED
GOSPEL SINGING GUAVA AND I'M FRIENDS WITH DHALI LAMA,
HEY-ay-ay-ay!
BUT DON'T FORGET TO GREET HER BEFORE YOU'RE ON YOUR KNEES AND EAT HER- OH MY!
OH MY!
oh my.
OH MY!
oh my.
(slows down...sweetly)
Everytime... I look in her eyes...I see me... in the reflection of her-eyes...
and then I see her again in the reflection of my eyes...
then there's...me again....
IT GETS...SOO...CON-FU-SIIIIIING....
who...the fuck...am I looking a-at.....?
I guess it doesn't matter....cuz it's...LO-OOOVE....
But am I in love with her eyes?  Or the douchebag that's reflected?
Her eyes are tearing up, or is it mine- they look dejected,
But I guess...it doesn't matter...cuz it's LO-OOOVE.
(drums building)
Let's...do-this-one-more-time.
Follow me.
Count-of-three.
THREE-TWO-ONE-
KICK ME IN THE FACE!
SHIFT IT BACK IN PLACE!
KICK IT INTO PASTE,
BIFFED IT BACK TO SPACE,
JERE-MIAH, likes PAPAYA,
PLASTIC! 
(it just seemed so right to write plastic)
FANTASTIC
(it just seems so right to add a syllable)
ORGASMIC
(it just seemed so right to make it NOT rhyme)
MATCHSTICK
(now come on that's just stretching)
GRATEFUL LITTLE RED-HEADS ALL SEDUCING FOR ACCEPTANCE,
GOTH ME OUT GOTH ME OUT GOTH ME OUT GOTH ME OUT,
THROW A FUCKING CHALK BOMB TO MY FACE- ADD SOME MISERY AND DIP ME IN SHITTY SUICIDE POETRY- I'M A PRIME CANDIDATE FOR SOME GODDAMN PETER MURPHY CONCERT NOW!
(breaks a wall with his empty head)
(his head was empty so I guess he's dead)
(wall collapses)
(head collapses)
(song collapses)
(it all collapses)

Cybersex (not for kiddies)

CYBERSEX (2006)

mcflyster writes: hello?

annie349 writes: mcfly!  I love that movie!

mcflyster writes: back to the future?

annie349 writes: your shoelaces are untied!

mcflyster writes: haha, yep.

annie349 writes: what are you looking at butthead? LOL!

mcflyster writes: you really like that movie.

annie349 writes: 1.21 jigowatts!

annie349 writes: it was my favorite besides breakfast club.

mcflyster writes: another good one.

mcflyster writes: but I actually liked pretty in pink more for some reason.

annie349 writes: so is your name marty then?

mcflyster writes: nope.  that would be too easy wouldn't it?

annie349 writes: and a little stupid- what's your name then?

annie349 writes: or don't tell me.  mcflyster is fine, I don't know why I have to make it personal every time.  I think maybe we should shorten it to mcfly though if you don't mind.

mcflyster writes: ok.

annie349 writes: because we start doing our thing I'm not gonna have the time to type, "M-C-F-L-Y..." I'll just call you M because when I have an orgasm- and I WILL believe me, I come here to fucking cum, but anyway I'll still manage to hammer down on the M key and you'll know I'm saying, MCFLYSTERRRR!  You know?

mcflyster writes: M equals Mcflyster, gotcha.  Do I call you annie?  Or A?

annie349 writes: call me J-Lo.

mcflyster writes: ok.

annie349 writes:- don't call me J-Lo I'm kidding.

mcflyster writes: oh, sorry. it's hard to tell when you're kidding.

annie349 writes:  just call me A, that's fine I guess.  what does your voice sound like?

mcflyster writes: like a voice- I don't know what you mean.

annie349 writes: forget it, I just wanted to imagine.

mcflyster writes: yeah...

annie349 writes: I'm A, you're M- nice to meet you let's get started- what are you wearing, is your hand
down your pants, is your cock hard?

mcflyster writes: I'm wearing my boxers- they're just blue.  I don't know what else to tell you- a shirt...it has some logo on it, but i've neevr heard of the company.

annie349 writes: glorious.  hand on cock.

mcflyster writes: check.

annie349 writes: do you want to know what I'm wearing?

mcflyster writes: I'm dying to know.

annie349 writes: nothing.  I don't waste time.  My pussy is shaved, but not bald, I have a triangle and it's lovely lovely lovely.  It's like the bermuda triangle because when you stick your long battleship in me it disappears...and you'll never have it back till I'm through with it.

mcflyster writes: boy.

annie349 writes: that's right you little stud- you're going to have to BEG me for it.

mcflyster writes: no, that's fine you can have it.

annie349 writes: you give up so easily.

mcflyster writes: not giving up, but you seem like you know what you're doing...I'll trust you with it.

annie349 writes: trust is a bore, don't trust me- just fuck me.

mcflyster writes: with what?

annie349 writes: your cock!

mcflyster writes: how?

annie349 writes: lol!

mcflyster writes: whaat.

annie349 writes: this is a writing exercise mcfly- just get into it will you?

mcflyster writes: sorry, sorry, can't say I'm used to ths yet. 

annie349 writes: just take charrrrge.   and then charrrrge.

mcflyster writes: charrrge!

annie349 writes: yes!  fucking charge me!

mcflyster writes:  ohhhh AAA.  you type soooo fast and soooo accurate!

mcflyster writes: how's that?

mcflyster writes: hellooooo.  Aaaaa.

annie349 writes: haha, very funny.  what the hell are you doing here then?  you think it's easy to find someone on here that can actually deliver the goods?  Most of them are 15 year old kids on their parents aol account. so are you a fucking kid or what?

mcflyster writes: no, I'm not, but I feel like an asshole.

annie349 writes: well, you should.  why don't you jack off to some lesbian chat room then.

mcflyster writes: because there isn't one- I had to create one and no one showed up.

mcflyster writes: come on, I'm just kidding around.

mcflyster writes: honestly annie, this is my first attempt at this and I guess I'm just trying to test the waters out
and you obviously have had more experince than me, so just jumping into this tornado is kind of insane for me you know?

mcflyster writes: annnn-ieee. 

mcflyster writes:  annnieeee....I've got my battering ram.

mcflyster writes: come on. you sunk my battleship.

annie349 has left the room.

mcflyster writes: jesus christ.

Trunk Full Of Poems: Cocoa The Kid (2004)

Too many Yoo-Hoos and too many kisses,

Milk Duds and Goobers were his favorite dishes,

The liquid inside him was thicker than blood,

The blood in his veins was the color of mud,

His heart was amazing, it pumped like a soldier,

Gooey and chewie, but strong as a boulder,

Whenever he'd sweat you could bet he smelled good,

He could run up a tree on one knee- yes he could,

All energy to spare he was constantly running,

He could go on for days in a haze, it was stunning,

His teeth slightly brown and his breath like hot chocolate,

An emergency stash of Chupa Chups in his pocket,

There was only one substance to slow down his pace,

Some Vanilla Extract, just a miniscule taste,

It made his eyes goosey, it made his lips tremble,

His brain would explode like a toad and reassemble,

Then finally he stops and he flops to a deep sleep,

Dreaming of sheepies and Little Bo Peep,

But the very next morning he would jump out of bed,

One Tootsie Roll would go right to his head,

Cocoa the Kid is reborn and he's hyper,

When he was a baby he tore off his diaper,

Danced around the room with a zoom and a laugh,

Like Tasmanian Devil destroyed all in his path,

Nothing can stop him- just maybe some ice cream,

Spiked with vanilla, yes mommy was quite mean,

Little Cocoa would drop, followed by gentle snoring,

The little chocolate wonder she was always adoring,

She would run him a bath and watch the water turn dark,

Everything turned chocolate wherever he parked,

At school it was weird- the girls tried to lick him,

The boys armed with marshmallows and kindling would stick him,

So Cocoa would flee like a bee that just stung him,

And took to home schooling before he was done-in,

As he got older he started to crackle,

Holes in his arms that would have to be spackled,

His skin turning white and his fingers were crumbly,

He was falling apart and he would stare at it dumbly,

Nothing he could do but roll up and coil,

While his mom wrapped him up in aluminum foil,

"I'll keep you in the freezer, don't worry little angel,"

She kissed him and promised she'd keep him from danger,

So Cocoa was stored in low temperatures freezing,

He developed a cough and couldn't stop wheezing,

But the crumbling had stopped for the moment at least,

But so had his heart which had finally ceased,

A year or so later, Cocoa The Kid,

Was resting quite comfortably under a lid,

Placed in some tupperware that used to hold chowder,

Cocoa the Kid, now a brilliant powder

Trunk Full Of Poems: It May Be Crap But It's A Wrap! (2002)

Sandbags, c-stands, flags and sticks,

Too many problems that need to be fixed,

The lighting is off I see boom shadows there,

They've all seen the dailies, but nobody cares,

Horrible acting that keeps getting worse,

Like Stevan Seagal it's a bad-acting curse,

He's missing his mark and he ruins each take,

Meanwhile the extras look hardly awake,

The actress's passion for her "husband" sounds fake,

And the fucking DP dropped a lens in the lake,

Two weeks over schedule and one million under,

Our investors keep visiting and seeing their blunder,

Their faith in the movie has gone down the shitter,

All of the crew has turned sour and bitter,

Despite all of this I'm glad no-one's a quitter,

But the stupid director needs his own baby-sitter,

He can't handle direction,

He's a walking erection,

How many takes does a shower scene need,

He giggles insanely like he's always on speed,

You ask him a question and you're met with a stare,

A worthwhile exchange of ideas is quite rare,

Unfortunately there's nothing I can do,

I'm just the writer- the gum on your shoe,

I don't get paid,

I hardly get laid,

And my position in this movie will gradually fade,

From the looks of the film I'll be ashamed of my credit,

Take out my last name just "Derek"- I may edit,

When the movie comes out I'm going to dread it,

"THEY RUINED MY VISION, yeah, SEE- THERE I SAID IT!"

I have no say when it comes to suggestion,

I'm just a ghost, I can't ask any questions,

Merely a witness to the disaster I see,

I fight the temptation to stab my own knee,

"YOU STUPID ASSHOLES, YOU FORGOT THE DAMN MAKE-UP!"

"HIS SCAR WAS ON HIS LEFT CHEEK YOU MORON- HEY WAKE-UP!"

Everyone stares at the writer for once,

Alone in the corner, I feel like a dunce,

The director walks over and gives me a smile,

"Derek, why don't you just get lost for awhile?"

I slowly get up and walk out with a sigh,

Of course no one bothers to bid me good-bye,

But out in the back I spot the actor's corvette,

I keyed on his car, "You can't ACT WORTH A SHEE-YIT!"

Trunk Full Of Poems: "That Gorilla Is Pissed!" (2001)

That Gorilla Is Pissed!

 

I can hear that chest thump, my heart beats fast,

Shouldn't of stole that banana, but it's all in the past,

The pounding is louder, how long will this go,

I've never deceived a monkey- at least not that I know,

Except that one time where I went to the zoo,

When I visited Bobo- my mom was in the loo,

I said, "Hi Mr. Bobo!" "Whats that you got there?"

He showed me his ass...it was shaven and bare,

This wasn't exactly what I was expecting,

The gorilla was silent, what's that he's protecting?

A big 'ol banana was clenched in his fist,

I grabbed it real quickly and boy he looked pissed!

I yelled, "Booga Booga! and jumped up and down,

My gorrila impersonation just made him frown,

My mother came back and yelled, "Hun, that's not nice!"

She told me to give it back...I didn't take her advice,

I hid my banana when my mom wasn't looking,

She was thinking of dinner and what she'd be cooking,

Bobo knew what I was up to, he screamed, "OOH AH AH AH!"

I said, "Shut up Mr. Bobo, take a bath you smell! HAHA!"

We walked away from his cage, but I felt Bobo's stare,

I flipped him the bird, my mom unaware,

We got in the car and drove to our home,

I ate that banana,and gave a satisfied moan,

I was haunted at night by the eyes of that Bobo,

I should've went back and killed him,but that was a no-no

It was just my luck that'd I'd end up in a jungle,

I was just taking pictures, when I heard a loud rumble,

My hands froze in fear, I dropped all my gear,

And here I am now, just trembling in fear,

I'm full of regret, the chance I had missed,

I should've killed Bobo- that gorilla is pissed!

He finally leaped out and struck an angry monkey pose,

I did what I could, I head-butted his nose,

Bobo cried out and took a grab at my head,

I thought, "This is it! I'm gonna be dead!",

I whimpered and cried and pleaded, "PLEASE STOP!",

And to my surprise, he let my ass drop,

I looked in my bag and Bo-bo just waited,

He was losing his patience and I almost fainted,

I took out an apple and held it aloft,

"Here you go Bobo! It's juicy and soft!",

Bo-bo shook his head and waved it away,

Bobo looked like he had something to say,

But instead he grabbed me and reared back for a throw,

When he launched me I flew and Bobo watched me go,

I could hear his laughing...sounding like a donkey,

"HEE HAW HEE HAW!" translation- "You one dead honkey!"

-Marty-